Wherever you are, you?re probably wondering if it?ll really get better. It will.
If you?re in your teens now, ten years will make all the difference, maybe even less. Why? I?m 27 now. And happy. I am at peace. I didn?t think I would get here.
Like you, I was 17 not too long ago. Ten years went by rather quickly, but I never, ever imagined such a life for myself.
I must qualify that I didn?t have it bad to begin with. Most talk about how it will get better is about bullying, etc. I grew up in Singapore, a congested, modern Asian city with changing attitudes towards homosexuality. I was never bullied for it (perhaps because people don?t seem to think girls ?count? when it comes to this topic, which is a different kind of discrimination altogether). I faced some verbal abuse (mostly from macho male expats from the West) for holding hands and making out with the women they wanted, but that?s the extent of it.
So rather than talk about how to handle harassment and bullying, I can offer a little personal account of what young gay people face; how will you find someone who loves you, how you can be both gay and happy. Because I?ve lived it.
The Black Hole
Whenever I think about ?those days? between ages 16 and 23, the black hole of my young gay life, I shudder a little. But I am also thankful to have gone through all that; it?s certainly made me stronger and better.
My first inkling that I might be gay arrived when I was four years old. I was in ballet class and I fell suddenly, dramatically, but quietly in love with a ballerina who was 7 years older. I remember feeling these thoughts: Why? What?s wrong with me?
All through school, I had immense difficulty forming friendships with girls. I did not understand how to swoon over male actors, male singers, boy-bands or male classmates: I merely pretended, so that I could fit in. I wasn?t too convincing.
I dated boys ? many, many boys ? I was one of those girls who got around 🙂 I tried to force myself to be happy with them. They were all great guys, to be sure. Hot, clever, in love with me. Would do anything for me. It wasn?t enough. I tried forcing myself to be someone else I could not be. That went on for quite a while. I was unhappy all through it.
When I finally ?discovered? women at 16, I didn?t have too many fears: I was gay, no doubt about that. I had no trouble processing that. I didn?t hate myself. I was relieved, in fact, that I now knew what was going on, and that I never had to live a lie again. I was ready to throw myself at women, come out, be openly gay, to beat the drum of gay activism. It didn?t happen.
Like every other stereotype, what I discovered was heartbreak, despair, the depths of which seemed insurmountable. Of course, all teenage heartbreak feels like that ? but it was compounded by my insecurities as a young gay woman who wanted to fast forward all the drama and grow the fuck up.
It was not too difficult to ?come out? to my friends: my good friends were happy for me, some slapped me around and said ?I could have told you that? (even before I dated any women), and quite a few of them came out to me as well when I did. There were a handful of friends who weren?t too thrilled. They stopped being my friends. I wish I didn?t have to do that, but I could not see myself continuing to be their friend if this was going to be an issue.
Having gay friends helped with perspective, especially when you?re 18. It continues to be equally important when you?re 25. No, don?t only have gay friends ? have all kinds of friends, as long as they?re interesting. But having LGBT friends helps. They act as your support group. They encourage you. They stick with you. They are your personal cheerleaders. We got each other through it. If you live in a small town, you may have to look online. I lived in a large city with a significant gay population. At school, I had at least 5 gay friends. That number got larger when I went to college in the same country.
I don?t remember much about those days, other than the massive pain I thought I was in. It was a blur of women ? and their bodies ? for several years running. I tried and tested the patience of everybody around me: my friends, my parents, and most of all the women who tried to date me while I was an insufferable little piece of shit. I thought I could never be happy and gay. I had few role models. I didn?t really know that many gay people, other than other gay kids my own age who were struggling with their own issues too. I didn?t know older gay people, and I certainly didn?t know any who were settled and happy.
I didn?t think they existed so it was hard to project a future for myself in which I was happily gay. I behaved badly because I was upset that the ?love of my life? was going to marry a man. I made up for it by sleeping with every attractive woman in town, including straight, bi and married women, and treating them very badly at that. I drank. A lot. I wrote tomes of bad heartbreak poetry. I was in danger of becoming yet another clich.
College
Things got better shortly after I started college, but it was still three long years of weirdness. College is liberating in some ways, personal development (hopefully) also accompanies academic learning. Nevertheless, it was still three long years of furtive affairs, train-wreck relationships and lies. I had a very prominent blog back then, and I wrote at length about homosexuality. I am told now that I was the only out gay person online back in the day (in Singapore).
I received emails from young (as in, 14, 15 year old) girls in Singapore who said they didn?t know where else to look, that they looked up to me for my bravery (I had accidentally ?come out? online, and saw no reason to stop). I didn?t know it then, but I think the knowledge that I had to be a role model to some younger people made me consciously want to make things better.
I volunteered with community groups, and I volunteered with LGBT community events and spaces. I met older gay people in all walks of life. I saw that while that didn?t guarantee my happiness as a gay adult, I could at least aspire to the confidence and level-headedness that most of them had. I think I achieved that.
I met a young woman about my age. She probably doesn?t know this, but in spite of our relationship ending after ten months, I credit her for turning me around: she was my first real ?girlfriend?. (Everyone else had been much older, and they were lovers, more than they were girlfriends). With her, I started to see that you did not have to be unhappy, depressed, sad or ashamed.
She was the first person I had been with who saw no shame in telling her friends and her family about me, and it was the first time I was allowed to ?exist?. She was not ashamed to hold my hand in public places, and we had a normal life together as college students. It was nice. It was the first time I?d stopped to catch my breath. She gave me the vocabulary to go on with the rest of my life as a young gay woman who now knows that what she wants for herself ? happiness, a girlfriend, a successful career in spite of her gayness ? is not wrong, not unattainable, not impossible. She?s now married to a former school-mate of mine, and I?m glad they found each other. I?m glad she taught me what she did.
From her, I also learned that I could choose my happiness. I lost interest in secretive, dramatic women and that improved my overall happiness meter. My relationship with my family got better. I started to proactively select the decisions, people and things which would contribute to my development, not stunt it.
The Days of Traveling
Things also got better when I started to travel on my own. Before that, travel had been school trips and family vacations. Fun, but not really personality-building stuff. All through college, I traveled extensively through Southeast Asia and South Asia, and later the Middle East, on my own and mostly overland. Travel can distill so many of life?s experiences into the length of a trip. My frequent jaunts to these beautiful but sometimes difficult places varied in length from a month to four months. These trips were not only an education that complemented my college one, they were also the missing ingredients that made me start to see exactly how I wanted to live my life.
Today, I don?t have any qualms identifying as gay. I don?t think my gayness improves or reduces my chances of success in any field, and I am lucky in the sense that I do not feel judged by anyone ? except by extremely religious people. I surround myself with wonderful people, among whom there are practically no homophobes, racists, misogynists or other kinds of hateful people. I mostly do not have to deal with homophobia in my personal life. I came out to my family two years ago, and I don?t hide this vital part of myself from anybody who needs to know. I plan to have children. I have as good a shot at a happy, fulfilled life filled with the wonders of doing the things you love with the person you love, as anybody else I know, straight or gay (or otherwise).
10 years ago, if I heard that about anyone else I would be skeptical, and if I heard it was to be my future, I would have laughed. It?s hard to see what?s ahead, but keep giving it your best shot and it will get better.