Because you want to send her a dick, not be one
Some girlfriends and I met up for coffee a few days ago. At some point, the conversation turned to dick pics. I was the guilty one who started it. I?d gotten the link to this video from Buzzfeed India, which I found hilarious.
?Who actually thinks dick pics are attractive?? I asked.
?Ew, they are so gross,? said Faith. A 38 year old single mom, she is not a prude. She likes bondage games and threesomes.
?Totally a turn off,? said Miriam. She?s been happily married for 20 years. I wonder, has she even gotten a dick pic?
?They?re not always a bad thing,? said Lucy with a little smile. We all turned to her in astonishment. She blushed. Lucy is in her late 20s, has pale skin and red hair, and she really likes sex. Most of the time she cycles through boy toys like some people go through tissues, but even she has the occasional dry spell.
?When you haven?t been with a man in a while, a dick pic is nice,? she said. ?I mean, if it?s tasteful. No one wants to see a dick near a urinal.?
?Speak for yourself,? muttered Faith.
?So what kinds of dick pics are OK?? I asked.
1. The Cute Dick Pic
Puppies. Kittens. Ponies. What do all of these have in common? They?re cute. They make most people smile. Some women croon. Or make sappy noises.
?What if a man sent you a picture of his dog? Would you care if you saw Rover?s genitalia?? I asked.
?Are you kidding?? said Miriam. ?Who cares??
?No one minds seeing a puppy,? said Jane, who?d kept quiet until now. She?s sorta shy. Wears long skirts and works in IT. ?Though I like kittens better.?
?Or ponies,? said Faith. ?Every girl loves horses.?
?He gets brownie points for having a dog,? said Miriam. ?That shows he?s a nice guy.?
?Or a cat,? said Jane.
?Any pet,? I said quickly, before the dogs vs cats debate got started. ?A man with a pet is a good catch.?
?It shows he?s a responsible human being,? said Faith. ?If he can remember to walk the dog and feed him and take him to the vet? maybe I?ll trust him around my kid.?
?So if a guy wants to send you a dick pick, and the dick just happens to be attached to a baby animal ? it?s fine?? I asked again, as I took notes.
So, there you go. Based on this super scientific survey, women like cute fluffy animals. Even when they have a dick.
Feel free to share a picture of your un-neutered pup rolling on its back while you give him a belly rub. Or your newly adopted feline friend. This is a dick pic women will be happy to receive.
2. The Artsy Dick Pic
Michelangelo?s David lets it all hang out and women do not react with disgust. In fact, Miriam flew thousands of miles to see him in person. This was in the days before the Coronavirus, when flying to Florence was fun.
?He?s beautiful,? said Miriam.
?I?m so jealous,? said Faith.
?Me too,? I said. ?I so want to go to Italy.?
?It?s all because of David, right?? said Lucy. ?It has nothing to do with those Italian men.?
?Let?s face it,? I said. ?Lots of fine art features nudity. Who here has seen ancient statues of Greek gods? They all have dicks, right??
?I like the little boy pissing in the fountain,? said Lucy.
?The one in Copenhagen?? asked Faith.
?I think he?s in Brussels,? said Lucy.
?He?s called the Manneken Pis,? said Jane, tapping on her iPhone. ?He was created by Jrme Duquesnoy the Elder.?
She showed everyone a picture.
?Oh, how cute,? Faith cooed.
?Adorable,? said Miriam.
?So, would anyone mind if a guy sent you this type of dick pic?? I asked.
They all looked at me like I was nuts.
?Are you kidding?? said Miriam. ?But it?s got to be a picture he took in person, not something he got off the ?net.?
So there you go. If you are well traveled, feel free to send her an artsy dick pic. If you can also regale her with details about its history, or the person who created it, you get points on the educated and cultured meter.
And if it?s an adorable statue of a little boy peeing, you?ll do even better, since this also scores on the cuteness scale.
And you will not have women reacting in horror, because yes, believe it or not, most women find unsolicited pictures of adult male dicks gross. Of course, according to this article, that turns some men on. Yes, there are sick freaks out there who enjoy disgusting women. But you?re not one of those, right? You want women to react positively to pictures of your genitalia.
That is where the last type of dick pic comes in!
3. The Romantic Dick Pic
True confession time ? I?ve never gotten an unsolicited dick pic. And that?s a good thing. As the video above made clear, in some countries you can be arrested if you send those out. Certainly you can be mocked on social media. You could lose your career or your current relationship.
So please don?t take pictures of your junk and send them to women without permission.
However, as my friend Lucy made clear, some women do like to get dick pics. But it?s really important to ask before you send.
If she gives you the green light, you?re probably thinking, hey, I?m in business! Just go into the bathroom and snap a shot with my cell phone, right? Wrong!
According to my friends, this is the worst thing you can do.
?I?ll automatically ban anyone who sends me a bathroom shot,? said Lucy. ?I mean, come on.?
?Well, he can?t really ask a friend to take the pic for him,? I say.
?That?s not an excuse to just do it in front of a urinal at his local gym,? said Miriam.
?Or his toilet at home,? said Faith.
?He should do it at the beach,? said Jane, looking dreamy for a second.
?The beach?? snorted Miriam. ?Honey, sex at the beach is NOT what you think it is. The sand! Ugh.?
?A picture at the beach is romantic,? said Jane.
?Particularly at sunset,? I said. ?The light is best early or late in the day.?
They looked at me.
?It is,? I said. ?I used to be a photographer. I know. Best time to take a picture is early or late in the day.?
?Whatever,? said Miriam. ?I still think the beach is impractical. He should do it in his bedroom.?
?As long as it?s clean,? said Faith.
?I don?t need to see any used condoms or another woman?s panties in the frame,? said Lucy.
?OK, so the consensus is? a romantic outdoor setting, not necessarily the beach because of sand, but either that or his bedroom??
?And the focus shouldn?t just be on his penis,? said Lucy.
?Yeah, I?d like to see a little bit of tush,? said Miriam.
?You?re married,? snarked Faith.
?Doesn?t mean I can?t fantasize,right??
?I?d prefer a six pack,? said Faith. ?Even if he doesn?t really have one, he can suck it in for a few seconds while he takes the picture, right??
?So, no disassociated body parts,? I wrote down.
They nodded and we changed topics. They were getting bored with talking about dicks, plus people in the coffee shop were giving us funny looks. We hadn?t exactly whispered. Except maybe Jane.
But, there you go.
There are three types of dick pics you can send her. You can send her a cute one of your little puppy?s belly. Or an artsy one from when you traveled to Europe and took a photo of a statue. Or, you can send her one of your own genitalia ? but only if she agrees!
Remember, if you ask if she wants to see it and she says ?no? ? take it seriously. Not every woman is turned on by dick pics.
For the ones who are ? take the time to pose.
Choose a romantic setting. Like a beach. Or a bedroom with soft lighting. Note ? if you use your own bedroom, make there are no traces of condoms or other women?s lingerie in the corners.
Finally, don?t just focus on your dick. Show her your six pack abs or your tight butt. Women don?t focus on body parts in isolation.
So, follow my advice. Don?t send her dick pics unless you closely follow the rules laid out above. Trust me on this one!